I'm a big believer in balance, physical and mental. As humans though we tend to react to people and situations, especially difficult or challenging ones, by feeling the extremes of emotion. We tend to love things or hate them, to be ecstatic or depressed, to connect or reject. We live our lives in constant reactivity mode swinging from one extreme to the other. We become victims of our emotions and circumstances rather than choosing the response that will keep us in balance.
In Chinese cosmology the universe creates itself out of two opposing forces of material energy (qi/chi), the yin and the yang. These forces are complementary and interdependent in the natural world. Manifestations of the yin/yang symbol are everywhere; light and dark, fire and water, expanding and contracting, good and evil. The dualities of the yin and the yang are represented in the symbol we all know so well- the two contrasting sides of the circle with a portion of the opposite element in each side ☯️ It's so interesting to me that everything has the opposite embedded in it. Take love for example, so closely allied with hate as the flip side of the same coin, that when the opposite emerges as from some breach of trust, it can be powerful enough to throw things completely out of balance.
Opposites attract and likes repel. This theory of magnetism has also been applied to human relationships. Just the phenomenon of men and women coming together seems to validate this concept. It's the Mars and Venus thing and seemingly, never the 'twain shall meet. Yet research shows that most people are attracted to those most like themselves, at least as far as "age, religion, political orientation, and certain aspects of intelligence" (Psychology Today). In terms of personality traits like extroversion and introversion though, similarity does not predict relationship satisfaction. So it's complicated. Once again, according to Psychology Today, "It has been said that the happiest couples never have the same character—they just have the best understanding of their differences".
And then there are those scent-bearing chemicals pheromones that are getting a lot of attention these days in terms of explaining attraction (ah there's the bodymind again). But the bottom line is, why we are attracted to who we are attracted to remains mostly individual and primarily a mystery. What we do know, however, is that inherent in every relationship is the potential for conflict. It's the yin and the yang. We all grapple daily with opposing forces even within ourselves- "power-vulnerability, freedom-responsibility, structure-free form, space-closeness, image-authentic self, the myth of independence-the romantic myth". And no matter how wonderful our partner is, s/he has negative traits just like we ourselves do. But when there is a breach of trust or a disagreement, most often we throw ourselves and the relationship out of balance by engaging on either/or thinking rather than both/and thinking. I know I have. And during those times, I become rigid, judgmental and intolerant. Not a winning formula for enduring love.
So why is it that we lose sight of the yin and the yang intrinisc in everything and swing to one direction or the other rather than standing in the middle, accepting the harmonious and the difficult at the same time? Nearly ten years ago a wonderful Jungian psychotherapist who happened to cross my path just at the right moment helped me find tools to address this very syndrome in my life. It was Carl Jung who talked about holding the tension of the opposites; that we need to embrace the opposites and hold the tension (uncertainty) until our way becomes clear. This is true not just in relationships but in every hard decision we make for ourselves; the job I have now makes more money but the other prospect would be more personally satisfying, we want to have the security/companionship of a relationship but we also want our own freedom, we know we should make a change but we're used to things the way they are. The tension of the opposites.
In the pursuit of balance in our lives, we need to become comfortable with uncertainty. We have to be willing to not know exactly how things are going to turn out. But this is a demanding skill because the psyche doesn't like uncertainty; we need to have things pinned-down. "It is in learning from these polarities through our relationship, and then encompassing both sides, that we become whole (Psychology Today)." And our personal journey and our relationship journey should be charting parallel courses if love truly is supporting each other in becoming our higher selves. "As we learn to hold these tensions more gracefully, we come to a place where our inner harmony stimulates an outer harmony with our partner, and that’s a state worth striving towards." So in February, the month of love, let's remind ourselves to hold the tension of the opposites both in ourselves and with those we care about to consciously choose balance and wholeness in our lives.
#findingbalance #theyinandtheyang #oppositesattract #pheromones #tensionoftheopposites #carljung #choosebalanceandwholeness #innertoouterharmony #februarythemonthoflove
Comments