“I can’t live either without you or with you."
—OVID
We all know the feeling. As I wrote in my Wednesday post He Said, She Said, conflict in our primary love relationships is inevitable. But few of us are fully equipped to negotiate these times such that the pattern doesn't repeat itself over and over again. Eventually, there is a dissolution of the relationship from sheer frustration and exhaustion.
The seminal work on relationship disconnect has been done by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt in their book Getting the Love You Want (first published in 1988 and revised 3 times since) and their subsequent Imago Therapy. According to Hendrix, lacking the skills to create successful relationships is the reason there is "a 50 percent divorce rate and 75 percent unhappiness rate for couples who do not divorce.”
This is so sad given the fact that we are never happier than when we are in love. We look and feel better, things are brighter and more possible-- we fulfill our human need to belong. Nevermind the influx of dopamine and norepinephrine, two of the body’s neurotransmitters that give us more energy and heighten our perception of wellbeing. Those, in addition to oxytocin the "sex-love hormone"; a sure-fired recipe for pure ecstasy. The bodymind in action.
The opposite feelings arise when love goes awry. According to Hendrix, couples fight because they “object to difference.” They are "unconsciously competitive, stemming from the cultural value system that directs them to compete for the emotional resources in the relationship and to be the one that is right.”
Hendrix writes about the "mystery of romantic attraction" and contends that our choices are unconscious-- that "we are searching for someone to satisfy our fundamental needs...and we are drawn to what is familiar". Research shows that "when they compared the personality traits of their partners with the personality traits of the people who raised them, in most cases, there was a close correlation between the two and, shockingly, the traits that matched up the most closely were the negative traits! ”
So if the unconscious purpose of our primary love relationship is to finish the business of childhood, what do we do? My takeaways from all of this:
1. MENAGE A TROIS-- The first step is to accept and commit to the relationship as well as to our own personal empowerment. There's you and me and us.
2. EYE TO EYE-- It's imperative to create a safe space between you. We must lose the negative tactics of “cajoling, haranguing, and blaming ” and replace judgement with curiosity; finding a real desire to understand the inner life of your partner, just as you want him/her to understand yours.
3. RISE TO THE OCCASION-- We have to learn to speak our needs rather than expecting and assuming our partner will read our mind and intuit our needs as our mother did in infancy. This means "you say things in a concise way, with a kind tone of voice, a soft look in your eyes, and with using 'I' messages.”
4. KEEP IT FUN-- Reinstate the romance; do at least one unexpected, nice thing for the other every day. An unsolicited compliment, a surprise-- something you know they will appreciate. Instill a sense of humor into the mix-- the ability to laugh at ourselves and share our foibles with our partner and know that they will love us as much for our imperfections as for the wonderful stuff. It's the yin and the yang-- we both have it.
And try this exercise. As you breathe into your heart center, see your partner from your heart rather than your mind; really visualize them from your physical heart. This should dissipate the anger and disappointment and connect you to the person you fell in love with in the first place.
Everything of true value in our lives requires effort, commitment and resources. We acquire mastery in our work life through training and practice. Parenting is an on-going learning process. So too with our partner. We need tools. Pick up a copy of Getting The Love You Want or sign up for a workshop. Go to couples therapy.
Recognize the fundamental human need to connect and to finish the work from childhood. Mind Your Body to rediscover through your heart what you love about each other. Rather than building walls, try Mending Fences with purposeful choice and have the love you always dreamed of.
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