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  • Writer's pictureFrance Mayotte Hunter
    • Feb 17, 2019
    • 3 min read

It's In His Kiss

Updated: Oct 25, 2019

If you want to know

if he loves you so

It's in his kiss

That's where it is

Even though the song was released in 1964, the Cher version that went viral in 1990 was the one that came on my radar. I remember thinking at the time and many times since that there's such truth to those simple words.


We've all had the experience after being in a relationship for a while, when the heat of passion cools to a smoldering ember. But given that the physical aspect of any love relationship is a key element (the bodymind), this indicates that there's something amiss. Not to say that award-winning sex is necessary each and every time, but it should be there at least some of the time no matter how long you've been together. Of course, only if this is a relationship you want to see endure rather than fizzle-out.


Communication is key in every relationship, but not necessarily the verbal kind. Women like to talk about their feelings, men not so much. Most men, given their hunter-gatherer legacy, are more about accomplishments and tangible, pragmatic concerns. So tapping-in on a primal body level is a way of connecting that can be authentic, immensely satisfying and relationship sustaining.


Women, for all of our power and autonomy, often defer to a man to set the intimacy agenda. Granted, they need to be inspired to make it happen but we don't need to wait for that, especially given the ups and downs (so to speak) of everyday life. And I have to believe in my heart of hearts, that men are looking for a transcendent experience as much as we are. And that means coming at sexual intimacy with the totality of who we are- the vibrant, powerful, unabashed sensual self as well as the tender, playful, receptive, imaginative self. Here are some suggestions:


1. LOVE YOUR BODY(MIND)- If we expect to be loved, we have to first love ourselves. And we can't do that fully unless we love our body. And that doesn't mean having the perfect body. None of us does. But the better we take care of our body through nutrition and exercise, breathing and self-awareness the more we will come to celebrate this integral part of ourselves. And be able to openly share this with our lover.


2. CREATE THE SPACE- We're all busy and often wait until the right time to have sex. But if we acknowledge physical intimacy as a vital part of the relationship, we have to make it a priority. And that doesn't mean going all out with the candlelit dinner, lingerie and all (though it could be nice). Just think ahead and anticipate a time/times it might be possible. Certainly with kids this is way more challenging. But it won't happen (at least not as much) if you don't make it a priority.


3. LET HIM KNOW- Everything in life is really a performance on some level (not in a fake way- rising to our higher selves). So you need to set the stage for sexual intimacy to happen. Take his face in your hands, look him in the eyes and kiss him with your most authentic kiss. No tongue necessary. Just a warm and loving, appreciative, space-opening kiss.


4. BE IN THE FLOW- Don't approach sex from the outside-in trying to recreate a great sex scene from a movie, or play the part of the person you think will turn him on. Trust that he fell in love with you for who you are and trust that person to emerge. Be in the flow and allow it to be a conversation with all of the dimension and complexity that draws you to each other. Tell each other stories, tap into fantasies, maybe even talk a little dirty. It's fun and who we are-- playful and a little naughty at times.


If you begin to think of physical intimacy as an essential part of your relationship, you will make life-altering discoveries about your self and each other. Even during times of confict, which are inevitable, this will remain a separate aspect of your partnership that nothing can violate if you choose to keep it that way. That's when make-up sex works. And he probably will never kiss you half-heartedly again.




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