The sonnet by Elizabeth Barrett Browning from the 19th century poses an age-old question. And in this month of love, it rises to the surface for many of us. My younger son was born on Valentine's Day so I was thrust into the juxtaposition of romantic love versus maternal love over and over again in my life (Happy 30th birthday Ian!). Whereas balloons and piñatas often eclipsed the flowers and candy, I was always grateful for these two important but very different kinds of love.
For most mothers I've met, having a child is their first real experience of unconditional love. Even though motherhood was a big adjustment for me, I always felt instinctually that I was in it for the long pull. There was no question of moving on to something more fulfilling or compatible. The fact that this person never asked to be born and was totally dependent on me for his very survival, left me with a fierce instinct to figure out how to do the best job possible. Motherhood is a powerful force.
Romantic love is not so straight forward. In truth, I think all of us would like to be loved unconditionally. But what about loving unconditionally? Are we really willing to care
about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves?
Is it realistic to expect that and shouldn't love have boundaries? It's interesting that research shows that the same parts of the brain linked to the brain's reward system light up for unconditional love as with romantic love. This suggests that unconditional love may be gratifying without receiving anything in return. Some intangible payoff.
My partner and I each have two boys and we both know that if asked to choose between us and our children, there's no question where our first loyalties lie. But that's ok. The more I experience and study the phenomenon of love, including the way love evolves over time with our partners and children, the more I embrace loving the person unconditionally in a relationship that has boundaries and rules and generous space between you. As our children grow into their capabilities, it's essential to teach them the importance of being respectful and giving in any loving relationship; that everyone has needs and desires and boundaries. An unconditional relationship of any kind other than with a very young child is a recipe for one-sided domination.
The challenge in every healthy relationship is being responsive to our partner while also affirming our own needs and longings (The Tension of the Opposites). Love asks us to take another’s requests seriously and to make them happy, if we can do that without harming ourselves. But love cannot thrive without courageous self-awareness and rigorous self-honesty, asking ourselves time and again, what is the difference between being selfish and honoring our own true needs? Becoming self-aware is a lifelong quest that requires us to delve deeply and to let ourselves be seen while seeing another’s inner life. Unconditional love begins with loving oneself and accepting the things that aren't so attractive about us along with the things that make us desirable. We can't possibly do this for another if we can't do it for our self. The Greek term agape most closely equates to unconditional love. "Agape love is a choice, a decision made to love regardless of circumstances or disappointments."
We must trust that our partner is strong enough to experience occasional disappointment— and trust that being true to ourselves won’t damage the relationship, as long as we do it kindly and thoughtfully. We ourselves have to be willing to not always have it our way either. And that kind of inner strength only comes from true self-acceptance and the ability to provide our own self-care. The only way we can see a disappointment by another as something other than abandonment or withholding love is to invest in understanding the differences between us as well as celebrating the similarities. In a relationship we both share the power and don't always get what we want. To love unconditionally we must be as aware of the inner life of the other as we are of our own inner life. As always and in everything, it's a matter of balance.
On this Valentine's Day, consider the important question of How Do I Love Thee? and the distinction between unconditional love for your significant other and the working partnership of your relationship together. Count the ways you are grateful for them in your life as well as creative strategies to balance the romance and the contract. The greatest gift we can give another person is the gift of our own personal growth and to inspire and support the same in them. Rather than choosing love that is blind, let's courageously love with eyes wide open.
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." Sam Keen
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