I keep returning to my fundamental belief that everything in life is a choice. Looking back, my biggest regrets have come from knee-jerk reactions to situations rather than taking a breath and choosing to come from my higher self. Responding rather than reacting. Making a conscious decision rather than acting out of habit. Emotional reactions cloud our perceptual abilities and often lead to consequences that are the opposite of what we would like to happen.
In his book Strong and Fearless- The Quest for Personal Power, Phil Nuernberger writes about self-mastery; taking charge of our lives by taking charge of ourselves. He suggests that self-responsibility-- the "ability to consciously regulate the mind and body to be healthy, happy and effective"-- is the key to self-mastery. Insightfully he argues that two things are necessary to exercise our ability to choose how we respond in our lives; self-awareness and self-discipline. Self-awareness, rather than what we think about ourselves is becoming a mindful witness, free from ego or judgement, of who we are in relation to the world around us. Self- discipline is simply the ability (skill) to do what you choose to do.
We all know that to get good at anything you have to practice; to repeat a set of behaviors until they become habit. The fact of the matter is that we're already self-disciplined at practicing worry and fear even though these aren't things we have consciously chosen for ourselves. Nor are they healthy or productive. Imagine what could happen if we chose to put all of that energy towards tapping into our enormous power to create health and wellness, emotional fulfillment and life outcomes beyond our wildest dreams? It's simply a matter of choice-- to take charge of our ability to respond to the circumstances of our lives rather than being victims of them. This is our ultimate responsibility.
Easier said than done, you say? You're right, it isn't easy even though it is the best course of action to take (It's Simple But Not Easy). I know from personal experience, that nobody is perfect at it. At least I don't know anyone who is. And at those times when we do lapse into habit and yell at our kids or lose it at the dry cleaner who lost our favorite dress, we should never use it as a weapon against ourselves; just another failure to make us feel bad about who we are. We must have a sense of humor about our humanity and love ourselves for all of it. But it is a process and the more times we are able to interrupt the reaction in favor of choosing a response, the less often the lapses will happen. Response Ability will become the habit.
So how to begin the journey towards self-mastery. First, it is important to our engaging in self-awareness that we lose the labels we put on ourselves; seeing ourselves as rich or poor, smart or dumb, even Democrat of Republican can limit our ability to engage fully as living "open systems" in relation to our environment. We limit our potential for change and growth characterized by options (choices) we have from moment to moment. Just freeing ourselves from the notion that we are fixed and limited by our past rather than seeing our experiences as preparing us to select different alternatives that expand rather than restrict our lives and potential is exhilarating.
The second action step towards our own self-mastery has to do with developing a tangible skill-set that will enhance both self-awareness and self-discipline. And it has everything to do with the bodymind. Once again, our thoughts come from our sensory experiences (the body), so beginning with the breath as the most fundamental connector between mind and body will not only promote optimal health (To Breathe Is To Live) but it will also give us a platform from which to slow down long enough to gain significant insights into who we are; we can observe in a non-judgmental way, our beliefs, reactions, thoughts and feelings so we can assess whether or not we choose to continue with them or not. A daily practice of breathing meditation is simply the most beneficial choice we can make towards really taking charge of our lives.
We can look at so many traditions of self-mastery and their emphasis on the breath. Each has many exercises to utilize the breathing mechanism to connect and control the mind and the body. There must be something to it. Yoga practitioners use this important bodymind tool to calm the mind and stabilize emotions. The more one practices breathing techniques, the more sophisticated we become at developing a high degree of control over the nervous system and what happens in the body. And the better we become at regulating the body, the more we become capable of choosing our responses to the events of our lives.
There are many resources for learning Mindfulness breathing techniques and also those that provide platforms for practicing breathing meditation. The most useful tools are the phone apps you can download to explore a wide range of meditation experiences for all levels and purposes. My favorites all have free trials so you can try them out before committing to any one for a monthly fee. And when you think about the overall benefits of making a $5 a month commitment, it's an easy choice to justify. To learn about the full range of options check out Best Meditation Apps 2018.
When I first discovered these meditation apps that allow one to practice wherever and whenever you choose (don't forget your head phones, ear buds or air pods), I began with the Insight Timer app. It's free and has a wonderful range of meditaiton options/teachers nd highly recommend this as a first step. Other apps I've used are Calm and The Mindfulness App, both of which are excellent and simply a matter of taste in terms of graphics, vocal qualities and other features. Some even connect to your other health apps. You might want to read/revisit my Quick Read blog Umbrella Breathing before you begin in order to learn/review the nuts and bolts of diaphragmatic breathing to make your experience as beneficial as possible.
It's never the wrong time to begin your journey towards self-mastery- to take charge of your life in becoming healthier and happier. To this end, we can take just a few minutes a day to slow everything down through the breath and create the space for deep self-awareness. Once we develop this habit (self-discipline), we will be able to choose our responses rather than reacting to the ever-changing circumstances and emotions of our lives. Our Response Ability is indeed our ultimate responsibility in becoming our best selves.
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